Toxicity

Youre bad for me I clearly get it
I dont see how something good could come from loving you
The death of me must be your mission
Cause with every hug and kiss youre snatching every bit of strain
That Im gon need to fight off the inevitable
And its a heart breaking situation Im up in, but I cant control...Beyonce

Healing

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them" Iyana Vanzant

Recently, I sent this quote to a good friend of mine, who I think has some deep issues that he needs to heal. Many people don't know the power in healing, forgiveness, and letting go...Instead we just jump around and leech on to new things to hide our feelings of pain instead of facing them head on. Healing is a powerful and divine act, it takes a humble individual to look at their pain and acknowledge it.

How do we heal ourself from the pain we have? This a question we ask ourself when attempting to heal.
Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that you have pain, issues, problems, etc...when you are able to acknowledge this reality then you can make steps to move forward.
Acknowledge that it is okay to have these issues and think of ways you can deal with them. Personally, when I am dealing with pain I cry and think overnight for a few days and listen to music which aids in healing me. Come to a realistic resolution! Realistic is key!! Don't say you will never speak to the person again if you know you will see them everyday!! Think of ways to seperate yourself from things/individuals that make this hard or make healing not doable. I think everyone should have a day where they leave social media alone (facebook, twitter, myspace etc.) and if possible turn your phones off or at least on vibrate, turn off the television, and just listen to some music then sit in silence. Music is healing but silence allows you to focus on what is on your mind and what is in your heart it allows inner peace. When we achieve that inner peace from silence then we can begin to move forward slowly healing our wounds. If we are not serious with healing or choose not to acknowledge our pain, the wound gets bigger each day...It hurts more each day and it takes away from the happiness we can have and give each day..

Growth

Someone once told me that Black girls don't cry..That person did not tell the truth or was afraid to admit the truth...The reality is Black girls do cry and I am one of them. My journey to a quarter of a century has been filled with much crying especially in the past three years of my life. I have failed alot, made  mistakes, got arrested, but learned alot. Growth is essential in every thing we do and I have grown tremendously from the past three years of my life. Iyanla Vanzant (who I love to quote) says "Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change". I have been blessed to come in contact with some comrades who told me to look at my inner self and grow from that. Everything in life is a learning lesson, even the hardest obstacles are a lesson. I am currently expecting a second child, which was a "surprise" to say the least and the pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride filled with emotions. But more importantly it has provided me with some of the greatest lessons ever.

One lesson I have learned is unconditional love, I didn't believe in that concept until recently. My love for my child and unborn child is greater than any love I have ever known. I have been able to see things clearly and make decisions for the sake of my children. I had to leave some people behind, letting them know that their issues and insecurities were not my problem and I have to focus on raising my flowers. I am determined to allow them to grow in a healthy, stress free, and loving environment even if it means cutting "family" members out.

The second lesson I have learned is that I can't solve the problems for a loved one. Even though I may love you with deep and sincere feelings of love, I can't help you solve your problems. You have to do it on your own. I hope the person this is directed to is reading this. Insecurities, past issues, and arrogance is in your way to being a wonderful person. I can't struggle with you and overturn contradictions if you aren't honest, if you don't want to heal yourself from your past, if you are too self centered to see that you are your own problem. While, I would love to solve all your problems for you my womb is aching for attention and my flower is in need of her mother's attention.

The third lesson I have learned is letting go. Letting go is a painful lesson for any person to learn. To let go is to release yourself from the energies that bring you and something else together. Letting go is hard and requires great strength and discipline. I am currently, still learning letting go but I have learned it to such a point where I can put things behind me and move forward. "The only way to get what you want is to let go of what you don't want" Iyanla Vanzat...
From this point on every time I am tempted to live in the past I will say that quote or another quote to remind myself that the pleasures of letting go will come soon.

Stay tuned I am still learning, growing, and reaching for a higher level of understanding..As the flower in my womb grows..I grow...As my first flower grows....I grow

Crying

“Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.”
― Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried 

The act of crying is not just an act, it's a story being told with words so beautiful that only the crier can translate. I use to hold my tears in for fear of showing my emotions, my insecuritites, my weaknesses, fears, etc..Now I'm letting them flow for anyone to know those same things I once feared. I'm not a robot or some mechanical individual who only uses politics to make sense of emotions. I am a human being who experiences pain and responds in a subjective way. Crying makes me feel good, makes me face reality, face pain, face joy, and face letting go.

Thoughts

The past few weeks I have been experiencing insomnia...
I'm up all times of the night even though I'm deathly tired I can't manage to fall asleep.
my mind is twisting, turning, racing, running...

Life, revolution, school, baby, hurricanes, storms, visions, pregnancy, revolution, me, us, him, work, art, love, passion, sex, revolution, Africa, friends, family, Abrihet, babies, babies, babies, sex, her, us, me, and many more random thoughts that keep me up just in time to get ready for work.... Even though sleep is beautiful I enjoy staying up at these random hours, it gives my mind time to do what it can't normally do...

Everyday I'm bombarded with things that occupy my space and time...I don't have time to enjoy my complexities and hear my creative inner existence speak to my creative but too busy to notice it,  existence...So I'll use this time wisely and not complain about my lack of sleep but enjoy, reflect, learn, and grow from my conversations that I have myself...

Poem for My Lady: The Black Woman At The Point Of Production/ A Scientific Socialist's Approach-By James Ashanti

The milkyway's spirl slidingboard trackless feeling when we clasp-cling
to better penetrate middle core's wisdom
-but men forget-

So here we are-socialsim more fragmented
than a wall of fun-house mirrors
radical journals not much more than
jism-splattered exercies in patriacrhy-

I seek rapacious passion beyond ideology
where is the woman's touch?

I absolve myself of the ruthless farce which shuns
that precious other self-more human and wonderful
My Lady be sensual pell-mell production line
of electirc heartbeats that rumble in bellowing climax
her personal inventory reads: warror/comrade
                                                friend/peer
                                                comrade
                                                fuck buddy

Caring for her has me me schizoid
svelte brilliance in her amber flesh be season of bliss
but...it's her whip of a mind that's a talisman
against boredom and weakness

or perhaps it's that dyad of nimbus around her eyes
breaklight guiding prayers in smile's direction?
Opulent hip for pillow
and premise firm tits as solace
when demigod
whose motherload of bullshit rhetoric
operates en passant-dissallowing people-

Like by all means
whealth's proper distribution
is an emotional depth of character
which manipultes two personalities
into wayward union of opposites
the material basis of happiness
cannot be whole

without this pretty woman who allows me
to grow with and inside her

which is to say the future can be a loving trip
which is to say also
I just loves me some dialectical brown sugar!

James Ashanti

For Him

When I first read this poem it reminded me of Him..

Seduction by Nikki Giovanni

one day
you gonna walk in this house
and i'm gonna have on a long African
gown
you'll sit down and say "The Black...."
and i'm gonna take one arm out
then you-not noticing me at all-will say "What about
this brother...."
and i'm going to be slipping it over my head
and you'll rapp on about "The revolution..."
while i rest your hand against my stomach
you'll go on-as you always do-saying
"I just can't dig..."
while i'm moving your hand up and down
and i'll be taking your dashiki off
then you'll say "What we really need..."
and i'll be licking your arm
and "The way I see it we ought to..."
and unbuckling your pants
"And what about the situation..."
and taking your shorts off
then you'll notice
your state of undress
and knowing you'll just say
"Nikki (Tasha)
isn't this counterrevolutionary...?'

Oh I love this poem...It reminds me of Him so much!!