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Friday, February 4, 2011

Love Hangover...

He was a "rapper", he had sexy lyrics and tight gear! Ahhh...I was 15...I thought I was in love with him from the beginning. I told my friend to "hook" me up with him...you see I was shy...I couldn't walk up to this guy and confess to him that I thought he was fly and I wanted to be his "shorty". She made the connect..we talked for hours and hours everyday. He lived two blocks from me...I would lie and say I was going to my friend house but would really go see him. Needless to say, teenage love doesn't last very long...he didn't really like me, he wanted to dig in my yams and say peace! This lasted for a while..back and forth...I was done with him...he hated me...I hated him...he loved me...I loved him! Teenage love is not a game to be played by the weak minded. This was the start to my love life...

He was tall, dark, sexy, hailed from the islands of Guadeloupe...spoke perfect French...claimed he was single! Damn...I was in love seriously this time..I never knew "love" like this before!! I was an emotional wreck, I loved and hated when I would see him. I would stare at him for what seemed like forever (5 seconds) and then look away, I would be become upset that he didn't notice me! He was on my mind constantly...I dreamed about us being together..holding hands, kissing, making love. I had to get his number somehow....A friend of mines made the connect...I was so nervous...my heart was beating fast..my face was twitching...he probably thought I was crazy! We talked on the phone..I could barely understood what he said half the time...his accent was so thick. He claimed he was single even though everyone else said he had  a girlfriend! I noticed that his phone calls were non existent on Saturdays and Sundays....Strangely I kept talking to him... I tolerated it because I thought I was cool since we had nothing sexual...How could it hurt me?? I was dead wrong! It all came out he had a girlfriend...I was hurt, saddened, my heart was on fire...I let him go and ran to a terror....

He wasn't my type at all....He was nice though and cooked well...I learned to like and love him...He was the total opposite of me..I wanted someone who understood me for who I was. He wanted to Christianize me...make me a good wife and mother material. I stayed for no apparent reasons....got pregnant...got married...it was torture...i cried...i was depressed....i wanted out. How could I leave? I didn't want to be a single mother? Divorced at my young age? How would I go on? Damn! Relationships do have a way of locking you into a tight box with no room to run...I hated my life. The drama started to unfold slowly at first then full force during my pregnancy. He would kick me out at 12am when I was pregnant...fight with me constantly, at one point I thought I would miscarry because we argued so much. I still stayed with him...afraid of what I would do if I did decide to leave him. I had my baby..shit got worse...things turned from bad to horrible...Verbal, mental, emotional, physical abuse started...I was fat, ugly, stupid, a loser, a bad mother, a racist, every name in the book...we would fight for hours...I wanted out...I left..I went back..I left...went back...I finally left for good...Haven't looked backed since....

Time passed I didn't disclose this news to alot of people..I just let people find out on their own


Anti-Death Penalty Rally

I was at an anti death penalty rally...my new interest was there! I had seen him a few times....very beautiful. I knew that day I wanted to get to know him...but I decided it wasn't yet time..I needed my time to myself. He ran through my mind at times..how couldn't he? I would see him from time to time, my heart was with the people but my eyes would be on him. He would stand tall, proud, he would shout loud....I would feel like a little girl...standing back with my mouth open and my heart skipping beats....Damn...he really has a hold on me...I secretly admired him..it was my secret..I liked it that way. The past showed me that men were always better when you looked from afar....Time passed...I'm at a rally...he is there...I smile at him..he smiles back....we walk for what seems like forever...everyone starts to leave...I can't keep my eyes off of him...It's time to go...I guess I will see him soon.."Hook me up sis"..."With who Natasha"..."With that beautiful brother"...."Seriously, Natasha?...Ok, I'll do it".................................Fast forward.....I know for a fact that I'm feeling him...He feeds me in many different ways..we struggle with each other, he rights my wrongs, he speaks kind words, he hugs me, kisses me..and is very honest with me....Of course things will never be perfect....he has his own issues....he needs time...I give him time...I know if his heart is in sync with mine...Our love will grow...I'm not afraid to lose him...I want him, but the timing has to be right...Until then I will continue to grow...If he comes around at the right time...I will welcome him with an open heart and open arms




1 comment:

  1. God puts people in our lives for a reason, each guy you mentioned in this post played a major part in your life. I am so happy for you Tasha. I am really am. I just was listening to "Tweet-Always Will" I love that song. But Tasha continue to take it slow, and like you said if its not the right time, just wait, be patient. Great post, Tash.

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