Toxicity

Youre bad for me I clearly get it
I dont see how something good could come from loving you
The death of me must be your mission
Cause with every hug and kiss youre snatching every bit of strain
That Im gon need to fight off the inevitable
And its a heart breaking situation Im up in, but I cant control...Beyonce

Healing

“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them" Iyana Vanzant

Recently, I sent this quote to a good friend of mine, who I think has some deep issues that he needs to heal. Many people don't know the power in healing, forgiveness, and letting go...Instead we just jump around and leech on to new things to hide our feelings of pain instead of facing them head on. Healing is a powerful and divine act, it takes a humble individual to look at their pain and acknowledge it.

How do we heal ourself from the pain we have? This a question we ask ourself when attempting to heal.
Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that you have pain, issues, problems, etc...when you are able to acknowledge this reality then you can make steps to move forward.
Acknowledge that it is okay to have these issues and think of ways you can deal with them. Personally, when I am dealing with pain I cry and think overnight for a few days and listen to music which aids in healing me. Come to a realistic resolution! Realistic is key!! Don't say you will never speak to the person again if you know you will see them everyday!! Think of ways to seperate yourself from things/individuals that make this hard or make healing not doable. I think everyone should have a day where they leave social media alone (facebook, twitter, myspace etc.) and if possible turn your phones off or at least on vibrate, turn off the television, and just listen to some music then sit in silence. Music is healing but silence allows you to focus on what is on your mind and what is in your heart it allows inner peace. When we achieve that inner peace from silence then we can begin to move forward slowly healing our wounds. If we are not serious with healing or choose not to acknowledge our pain, the wound gets bigger each day...It hurts more each day and it takes away from the happiness we can have and give each day..

Growth

Someone once told me that Black girls don't cry..That person did not tell the truth or was afraid to admit the truth...The reality is Black girls do cry and I am one of them. My journey to a quarter of a century has been filled with much crying especially in the past three years of my life. I have failed alot, made  mistakes, got arrested, but learned alot. Growth is essential in every thing we do and I have grown tremendously from the past three years of my life. Iyanla Vanzant (who I love to quote) says "Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change". I have been blessed to come in contact with some comrades who told me to look at my inner self and grow from that. Everything in life is a learning lesson, even the hardest obstacles are a lesson. I am currently expecting a second child, which was a "surprise" to say the least and the pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride filled with emotions. But more importantly it has provided me with some of the greatest lessons ever.

One lesson I have learned is unconditional love, I didn't believe in that concept until recently. My love for my child and unborn child is greater than any love I have ever known. I have been able to see things clearly and make decisions for the sake of my children. I had to leave some people behind, letting them know that their issues and insecurities were not my problem and I have to focus on raising my flowers. I am determined to allow them to grow in a healthy, stress free, and loving environment even if it means cutting "family" members out.

The second lesson I have learned is that I can't solve the problems for a loved one. Even though I may love you with deep and sincere feelings of love, I can't help you solve your problems. You have to do it on your own. I hope the person this is directed to is reading this. Insecurities, past issues, and arrogance is in your way to being a wonderful person. I can't struggle with you and overturn contradictions if you aren't honest, if you don't want to heal yourself from your past, if you are too self centered to see that you are your own problem. While, I would love to solve all your problems for you my womb is aching for attention and my flower is in need of her mother's attention.

The third lesson I have learned is letting go. Letting go is a painful lesson for any person to learn. To let go is to release yourself from the energies that bring you and something else together. Letting go is hard and requires great strength and discipline. I am currently, still learning letting go but I have learned it to such a point where I can put things behind me and move forward. "The only way to get what you want is to let go of what you don't want" Iyanla Vanzat...
From this point on every time I am tempted to live in the past I will say that quote or another quote to remind myself that the pleasures of letting go will come soon.

Stay tuned I am still learning, growing, and reaching for a higher level of understanding..As the flower in my womb grows..I grow...As my first flower grows....I grow

Crying

“Yesterday, I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.”
― Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried 

The act of crying is not just an act, it's a story being told with words so beautiful that only the crier can translate. I use to hold my tears in for fear of showing my emotions, my insecuritites, my weaknesses, fears, etc..Now I'm letting them flow for anyone to know those same things I once feared. I'm not a robot or some mechanical individual who only uses politics to make sense of emotions. I am a human being who experiences pain and responds in a subjective way. Crying makes me feel good, makes me face reality, face pain, face joy, and face letting go.

Thoughts

The past few weeks I have been experiencing insomnia...
I'm up all times of the night even though I'm deathly tired I can't manage to fall asleep.
my mind is twisting, turning, racing, running...

Life, revolution, school, baby, hurricanes, storms, visions, pregnancy, revolution, me, us, him, work, art, love, passion, sex, revolution, Africa, friends, family, Abrihet, babies, babies, babies, sex, her, us, me, and many more random thoughts that keep me up just in time to get ready for work.... Even though sleep is beautiful I enjoy staying up at these random hours, it gives my mind time to do what it can't normally do...

Everyday I'm bombarded with things that occupy my space and time...I don't have time to enjoy my complexities and hear my creative inner existence speak to my creative but too busy to notice it,  existence...So I'll use this time wisely and not complain about my lack of sleep but enjoy, reflect, learn, and grow from my conversations that I have myself...

Poem for My Lady: The Black Woman At The Point Of Production/ A Scientific Socialist's Approach-By James Ashanti

The milkyway's spirl slidingboard trackless feeling when we clasp-cling
to better penetrate middle core's wisdom
-but men forget-

So here we are-socialsim more fragmented
than a wall of fun-house mirrors
radical journals not much more than
jism-splattered exercies in patriacrhy-

I seek rapacious passion beyond ideology
where is the woman's touch?

I absolve myself of the ruthless farce which shuns
that precious other self-more human and wonderful
My Lady be sensual pell-mell production line
of electirc heartbeats that rumble in bellowing climax
her personal inventory reads: warror/comrade
                                                friend/peer
                                                comrade
                                                fuck buddy

Caring for her has me me schizoid
svelte brilliance in her amber flesh be season of bliss
but...it's her whip of a mind that's a talisman
against boredom and weakness

or perhaps it's that dyad of nimbus around her eyes
breaklight guiding prayers in smile's direction?
Opulent hip for pillow
and premise firm tits as solace
when demigod
whose motherload of bullshit rhetoric
operates en passant-dissallowing people-

Like by all means
whealth's proper distribution
is an emotional depth of character
which manipultes two personalities
into wayward union of opposites
the material basis of happiness
cannot be whole

without this pretty woman who allows me
to grow with and inside her

which is to say the future can be a loving trip
which is to say also
I just loves me some dialectical brown sugar!

James Ashanti

For Him

When I first read this poem it reminded me of Him..

Seduction by Nikki Giovanni

one day
you gonna walk in this house
and i'm gonna have on a long African
gown
you'll sit down and say "The Black...."
and i'm gonna take one arm out
then you-not noticing me at all-will say "What about
this brother...."
and i'm going to be slipping it over my head
and you'll rapp on about "The revolution..."
while i rest your hand against my stomach
you'll go on-as you always do-saying
"I just can't dig..."
while i'm moving your hand up and down
and i'll be taking your dashiki off
then you'll say "What we really need..."
and i'll be licking your arm
and "The way I see it we ought to..."
and unbuckling your pants
"And what about the situation..."
and taking your shorts off
then you'll notice
your state of undress
and knowing you'll just say
"Nikki (Tasha)
isn't this counterrevolutionary...?'

Oh I love this poem...It reminds me of Him so much!!

Love Hangover...

He was a "rapper", he had sexy lyrics and tight gear! Ahhh...I was 15...I thought I was in love with him from the beginning. I told my friend to "hook" me up with him...you see I was shy...I couldn't walk up to this guy and confess to him that I thought he was fly and I wanted to be his "shorty". She made the connect..we talked for hours and hours everyday. He lived two blocks from me...I would lie and say I was going to my friend house but would really go see him. Needless to say, teenage love doesn't last very long...he didn't really like me, he wanted to dig in my yams and say peace! This lasted for a while..back and forth...I was done with him...he hated me...I hated him...he loved me...I loved him! Teenage love is not a game to be played by the weak minded. This was the start to my love life...

He was tall, dark, sexy, hailed from the islands of Guadeloupe...spoke perfect French...claimed he was single! Damn...I was in love seriously this time..I never knew "love" like this before!! I was an emotional wreck, I loved and hated when I would see him. I would stare at him for what seemed like forever (5 seconds) and then look away, I would be become upset that he didn't notice me! He was on my mind constantly...I dreamed about us being together..holding hands, kissing, making love. I had to get his number somehow....A friend of mines made the connect...I was so nervous...my heart was beating fast..my face was twitching...he probably thought I was crazy! We talked on the phone..I could barely understood what he said half the time...his accent was so thick. He claimed he was single even though everyone else said he had  a girlfriend! I noticed that his phone calls were non existent on Saturdays and Sundays....Strangely I kept talking to him... I tolerated it because I thought I was cool since we had nothing sexual...How could it hurt me?? I was dead wrong! It all came out he had a girlfriend...I was hurt, saddened, my heart was on fire...I let him go and ran to a terror....

He wasn't my type at all....He was nice though and cooked well...I learned to like and love him...He was the total opposite of me..I wanted someone who understood me for who I was. He wanted to Christianize me...make me a good wife and mother material. I stayed for no apparent reasons....got pregnant...got married...it was torture...i cried...i was depressed....i wanted out. How could I leave? I didn't want to be a single mother? Divorced at my young age? How would I go on? Damn! Relationships do have a way of locking you into a tight box with no room to run...I hated my life. The drama started to unfold slowly at first then full force during my pregnancy. He would kick me out at 12am when I was pregnant...fight with me constantly, at one point I thought I would miscarry because we argued so much. I still stayed with him...afraid of what I would do if I did decide to leave him. I had my baby..shit got worse...things turned from bad to horrible...Verbal, mental, emotional, physical abuse started...I was fat, ugly, stupid, a loser, a bad mother, a racist, every name in the book...we would fight for hours...I wanted out...I left..I went back..I left...went back...I finally left for good...Haven't looked backed since....



Time passed I didn't disclose this news to alot of people..I just let people find out on their own



Anti-Death Penalty Rally



I was at an anti death penalty rally...my new interest was there! I had seen him a few times....very beautiful. I knew that day I wanted to get to know him...but I decided it wasn't yet time..I needed my time to myself. He ran through my mind at times..how couldn't he? I would see him from time to time, my heart was with the people but my eyes would be on him. He would stand tall, proud, he would shout loud....I would feel like a little girl...standing back with my mouth open and my heart skipping beats....Damn...he really has a hold on me...I secretly admired him..it was my secret..I liked it that way. The past showed me that men were always better when you looked from afar....Time passed...I'm at a rally...he is there...I smile at him..he smiles back....we walk for what seems like forever...everyone starts to leave...I can't keep my eyes off of him...It's time to go...I guess I will see him soon.."Hook me up sis"..."With who Natasha"..."With that beautiful brother"...."Seriously, Natasha?...Ok, I'll do it".................................Fast forward.....I know for a fact that I'm feeling him...He feeds me in many different ways..we struggle with each other, he rights my wrongs, he speaks kind words, he hugs me, kisses me..and is very honest with me....Of course things will never be perfect....he has his own issues....he needs time...I give him time...I know if his heart is in sync with mine...Our love will grow...I'm not afraid to lose him...I want him, but the timing has to be right...Until then I will continue to grow...If he comes around at the right time...I will welcome him with an open heart and open arms

Tweet----Always Will

Missing my blog

Lately I haven't been as inspired to blog..I dont know why..so much is constantly going on. I learning more about me..I want to blog about it (sometimes), but I don't no where to start!

Walls....

He tells me that he loves me

He tells me that I'm beautiful

He tells me that I'm a good mother

He tells me that I'm what he has been looking for...

I look down at my freshly painted finger nails, roll my eyes, twist my lips, and suck my teeth...Not because I don't accept his compliments but because I'm afraid to give in! He tells me that I have walls built up around me that I use to defend myself... but these walls are also a comforting measure. When everything around me starts to fall down...my walls are like crutches for me to lean on...they preserve me...they prevent me from falling to far to the ground. I kind of like my walls...but I know that I will have to lower them (with caution) as time goes on. It's even hard for me to give in and admit I love this man...I tell myself I can't it's too soon, I need to becareful, he might hurt me. I must admit..I tell him I love him, even though at times it can be scary, but last night I held him for a long time and I knew with all my being that he is the right one. People may be skeptical, doubtful, unsupportive, or down right mean and think he is not good for me..but in my heart I believe he is perfect. He has the most beautiful smile that I have ever seen..it's full of love, sincerity, and sexiness! Some men have came and they all have went..but HIM...I'm keeping close by. The only issue is these walls I have built..they are preventing me from giving my all, from allowing myself to be the loving women I can be, they are stopping me from getting closer to HIM. Im sure in time they will start to come down..I believe that I have already let them begin to come down..becasue he holds a special place in my heart....

I tell him that I love him

I tell him that I want him around

I tell him his presence is always appreciated

I tell him that he makes my heart happy